Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
