he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I made him laugh his dick is mine
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
