I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I wanna passion pit in your ass
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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