The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
Randomize
