Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
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