Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Randomize
