When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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