i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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