a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
Randomize
