Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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