I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
Randomize
