my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
