you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
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