well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
