M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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