i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
ohhh my god. this party should be titled "my hookups of summers past" be expecting some good stories tomorrow
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
they're like a gay fantastic four
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Randomize
