Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
