I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
It was like getting head from an anaconda
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
