I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
