I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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