as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
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