I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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