All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
