I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
