there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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