Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
soo... how was my night?
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
Randomize
