She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
