I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
Randomize
