I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
