FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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