Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
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