I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
