there's paper in my vomit.
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
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