it's taking a lot of effort to be mature and not reply to her with like a video of bestiality porn
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
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My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
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I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
God I need to hump something, right now.
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