This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
