To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
