sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I can get orange kush...
GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
