I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
