just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
