my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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