I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
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She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
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I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
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