Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
