Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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