i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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