my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
