So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
It's shark week go big or go home
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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