I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
