Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
