You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
