I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
