non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
please don't ironically join a cult
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