I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
