Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
