bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
