You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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