haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
My gaydar just like overheated and exploded watching the male figure skaters on the olympics
her cat watched me eat her out... I would use the alternate term for both of those things but it's too weird.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
