i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
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